Sunday, March 28, 2010

Women vs. Canadian Geese

Which is more beneficial (or less detrimental) to man: women or canadian geese? It certainly seems like a tough call so let's compare some key characteristics before we reach a definitive answer.

The canadian goose brings very little to the table. They make a crude honking noise that can never be described as "elegant" or "beautiful." They hiss and charge at people like they own the place when in fact they are a punt away from death. Their goslings are perhaps the ugliest offspring of all birds. They are not something we eat (I am unsure why this is the case but doesn't "geese feasts" have a nice ring to it?). And worst of all, they spend all day grazing on grass just so they have poop to spread all over our yards and sidewalks. No positive merits whatsoever.

How do women stack up in similar categories? Can a woman's voice be described as "elegant" or "beautiful?" Absolutely. But other descriptive words that can be used are obnoxious or nagging. So while there are greater peaks, there are also greater valleys. This category is a push. What about hissing and charging at people like they own the place? This can be a literal charge like the mighty Rhino, or it can be taken in a more figurative sense like claiming false ownership of an exercise machine at the gym. Either way, this is annoying to men so this category is a push. What about spending all day eating and pooping? Women are closet eaters and they don't do the #2, ever. They don't want you to see how much they eat so they do it in privacy. In a public setting, they will stick to their dainty portions to try to trick you into thinking they are not a fattie, while behind the scenes they will gorge on anything and everything in their wake. At least the goose is not deceptive with it's mission to eat and poop on everything. Advantage: canadian goose. This category can also be interpreted in a different, more disturbing light. Throughout history, women have been known to consume men and poop them out as a shell of their former being (aka marry them). I have seen it done far too many times to far too many good men. They meet the woman and reach new (low) levels of awesomeness, some even becoming lame. A goose can never have such an adverse effect on man. Big advantage: canadian goose.

So while canadian geese do absolutely nothing beneficial for men, they are far less detrimental than women. The logic is foolproof and clearly conclusive: canadian geese are better than women.


  1. I'd like to pour one out in memory of all the lamified men out there.

  2. Though I've never done so myself, people actually do eat geese. Plus, geese are lots of fun to hunt. Women, on the other hand, are not edible, and if you're not careful, the larger and more aggressive ones (a.k.a the rhino) will try and hunt and gore you! I, myself, have been the victim of just such an attack. Just another reason that geese is the clear winner here.