Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Tournament of Awesome!

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be know from this day that this blog shall take unto itself a new, bold direction. Rather than unabashedly celebrating the awesomeness of men, instead the fine authors herein shall rededicate themselves to determining the awesomest thing, via the most efficient means possible: a tournament!

To give you an idea of how awesome the tournament entrants are, here is a listing of items that missed our cut:

“I Love My Mom” Tattoos
#1 sign atop of Grace
1988 National Championship
3 day Weekends
4th of July
Adenosine Triphosphate
American Cheese
Angry Dragon
Away football games when we win
Back to the Future
Backer Long Islands
Bald Eagle
Beach Volleyball
Beating Commies
Being a Fatty
Blowing stuff up/explosions
Blue/Gold Tailgating
Bobbies (thanksgiving in a roll)
Buried treasure
Captain Planet
Casual Fridays
Cheesy Gordita Crunches
Cookie Dough
Corn Mazes
Crazy Fireman
Das Boot
Deer Hunting
Deer Hunting
Dingus Day
Dinner Impossible
DJ Drew
Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge
Dr. House
Dread Pirate Roberts
Drinking games
dry humping
Feelin’ on yo booty
Fire Sauce
Free Food
Fried food on a stick
Friends’ Sisters
Garbage Day
Gas Miracle
Gentle Humping, Not Sexual
Greasy Bacon
Hawaiian Vacations
Health Care Reform
Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis
James Bond
Kentucky Derby
Kermit the Frog
Leopard 2A6 (it's an awesome tank)
Loving Fatties
Making Fatties Pay
Man vs. Wild
Manti Te’o
March Madness
Modular furniture
monkeys throwing poo
Mr. T
Naval rings on chicks
Neil Patrick Harris
Not Wanting to be a Fattie
Notre Dame Stadium
Nuclear submarines
Nunchuck skills
Oreo Truffles
Ozzie Guillen
Pandora Internet Radio
Poloroid cameras
Proper Urinal Etiquette
Red Lobster
Rich Rodriquez at Michigan
Sean Connery
Sexual Healing
Sexy/Slutty _____ Costumes
Shutting down the band
Sleeper Holds
Snowball fights
Squirrel Fishing
State Fairs
Stealth Bombers/Fighters
Super Bowl Parties
Swimming with dolphins
Sylvester Stallone
Tax Refunds
The Bad Touch
The Black Eyed Peas
The Five Second Rule
The Hamburgler
The Landing
The Moon (assuming it’s made of cheese)
The other side of the pillow
The Smell of Napalm in the Morning
The Summer Olympics
The time when Ian made out with Bill
The US Marine Core
The walk of shame
Time Travel
Tree forts
Turning 21
USC scandal
Waking up at noon
Warm Krispy Kremes
Wood n’ Caulk

Friday, April 2, 2010

Dyngus Day Celebration

After possibly the best night of flipcup choreographed celebratory dances ever, I stay awake to speak of a great tradition that will soon be upon us. No, not Easter, but Dyngus day.

Have you heard of dyngus day ever? i have not. i just heard about it a few days ago. apparently it is a polish event celebrated the monday after easter. i don't know the gory details, but it involves girls throwing water onto the guys, and guys (here's the part that got my attention) get to hit the girls with sticks!

While i do not condone domestic violence, i applaud this tradition of juvenile behavior. after all, the fact that it's a tradition holds up in court, right? i mean, that's how native americans can still hunt whales. Also, being anti-girls makes this the best anti-girl celebration of the year, since there are no other anti-girl holidays. by the way, we must rectify this blatant oversight...

So while i do not want to overlook the significance of easter (and it's corresponding, kick ass celebration), i wish you all the best dyngus day. on that day, may you speak softly and carry a big stick.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Whiplash From the Animal Kingdom

As the Looks, I don't always work hard to get the girl. I plan to explain how. I mean to belittle the value of the work Men do in order to attract a mate (ed note: the word woman is not used. I don't believe in them because the word woman means they are part man, and as someone who is all man, I demur). For so long the Looks has heard how Males are equal to females, but this is just not true. Males get screwed in so many ways trying to attract females and none of them are good. Injustice.

What's that you say? "But Looks how can you make blanket statements without giving examples?" Fear not I bring you.... examples, even though this is normally the brains department.

Male Deer for example are burdened with mini trees growing out of their heads. Kudos to the Male Deer for confusing the female deer to think that this is some sort of love fern (which by the way females love, almost as much as those little pebbles, but the Male Penguin already claimed that one). But what Male Deer didn't plan on was that the only sure way to repel some female humans is to display this leaf-less love fern in their dens (thereby making female humans cry to see the love fern dead). So this love fern is actually the down fall of the Male Deer. I mean Male Deer have to compete and show how much stronger their "Love Fern" is than other Male Deer. The things Men do to attract a mate.

Think if you will about the Elephant, nature's fattiest fatty. By all logic, the elephant should be scoring chicks left and right. I mean the Elephant would be the Looks of the animal kingdom if it weren't for the female elephants, making the Male feel uncomfortable in his liking of cake and general fattiness. female elephants dislike the Male Elephants fattiness so much that they changed their pregnancy gestation time to 22-months. 22-MONTHS!. How could you expect a married couple to consummate the relationship once every two years. No wonder wikipedia tells me they engage in same sex mounting. Asinine, like girls.

Which brings me to my final example. Oysters. Yes, that little pussy of the sea who just hides in his shell all day. Perfect! the male oyster doesn't even move to attract females. What does he do? he let's them come to him. Now you're wondering, "Looks, if he's got the perfect strategy, why is he the pussy of the sea?" and I'll tell you why. The female oysters make the male oyster so insecure in his male oysterliness that they convince the males to change sex! females make you weak! like them! The only ones who get to reproduce are the ones who hold their ground till the females come to him, or the ones who change their sex to lure the females into their confidence and brazenly change back. No man should be de-manned just to get a girl.

As the Looks, I know that I'm attractor. This is my lot in life. But as I attract, I hold in my heart of hearts the fallen brothers, the dead love fern, the fatty of fatties, and that pussy of the sea. You should do the same.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Women vs. Canadian Geese

Which is more beneficial (or less detrimental) to man: women or canadian geese? It certainly seems like a tough call so let's compare some key characteristics before we reach a definitive answer.

The canadian goose brings very little to the table. They make a crude honking noise that can never be described as "elegant" or "beautiful." They hiss and charge at people like they own the place when in fact they are a punt away from death. Their goslings are perhaps the ugliest offspring of all birds. They are not something we eat (I am unsure why this is the case but doesn't "geese feasts" have a nice ring to it?). And worst of all, they spend all day grazing on grass just so they have poop to spread all over our yards and sidewalks. No positive merits whatsoever.

How do women stack up in similar categories? Can a woman's voice be described as "elegant" or "beautiful?" Absolutely. But other descriptive words that can be used are obnoxious or nagging. So while there are greater peaks, there are also greater valleys. This category is a push. What about hissing and charging at people like they own the place? This can be a literal charge like the mighty Rhino, or it can be taken in a more figurative sense like claiming false ownership of an exercise machine at the gym. Either way, this is annoying to men so this category is a push. What about spending all day eating and pooping? Women are closet eaters and they don't do the #2, ever. They don't want you to see how much they eat so they do it in privacy. In a public setting, they will stick to their dainty portions to try to trick you into thinking they are not a fattie, while behind the scenes they will gorge on anything and everything in their wake. At least the goose is not deceptive with it's mission to eat and poop on everything. Advantage: canadian goose. This category can also be interpreted in a different, more disturbing light. Throughout history, women have been known to consume men and poop them out as a shell of their former being (aka marry them). I have seen it done far too many times to far too many good men. They meet the woman and reach new (low) levels of awesomeness, some even becoming lame. A goose can never have such an adverse effect on man. Big advantage: canadian goose.

So while canadian geese do absolutely nothing beneficial for men, they are far less detrimental than women. The logic is foolproof and clearly conclusive: canadian geese are better than women.

Friday, March 26, 2010

May the Light guide you always!

What ho, stranger! Gather round and listen! I have gathered an epic party to perform heroic deeds in the magical kingdom of Du Lac. This fellowship is certainly capable of mighty deeds and our endeavors shall certainly never falter. One, known only as The Looks, is a dashing rogue. Many a maiden has fallen for his charm and his guile is second to none: even known to disarm charging beasts like the mighty rhino. The Wildcard is a warrior of great strength and physical skill. He is also known for his great appetite. A great Band once challenged him to a competition to consume the most sea creatures at one of the most noble taverns in Du Lac. Surely, it should come as no surprise that the Wildcard was able to defeat such a mean opponent. The Brains is perhaps the most legendary Runemaster of our time. Always known for his keen intellect and decisiveness, the Brains will never struggle to seal the deal. Ever. Finally, we have a fine druid in our party, who's name escapes me. In tune with the nature of Du Lac, he has been able to attract many fine nymphs to the kingdom. Although his time in Du Lac nears an end, the population of beautiful fairies has reached a peak. Here are my mighty companions:

I find myself merely grateful to keep such company as this. Was there ever so noble a group as this? The Bards (those spoony folk) of future generations will surely raise their voices, recounting the tales of our epic awesomeness. While the direction of our most epic of crusades is never quite clear, so long as our intents are pure, then our achievements and their retelling must be greatness. But we must be cautious always, for those mean in countenance always seek to lead us astray from the path of the Light:

Let us ride forth together, this part of five, and perform great deeds!