Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Whiplash From the Animal Kingdom

As the Looks, I don't always work hard to get the girl. I plan to explain how. I mean to belittle the value of the work Men do in order to attract a mate (ed note: the word woman is not used. I don't believe in them because the word woman means they are part man, and as someone who is all man, I demur). For so long the Looks has heard how Males are equal to females, but this is just not true. Males get screwed in so many ways trying to attract females and none of them are good. Injustice.

What's that you say? "But Looks how can you make blanket statements without giving examples?" Fear not I bring you.... examples, even though this is normally the brains department.

Male Deer for example are burdened with mini trees growing out of their heads. Kudos to the Male Deer for confusing the female deer to think that this is some sort of love fern (which by the way females love, almost as much as those little pebbles, but the Male Penguin already claimed that one). But what Male Deer didn't plan on was that the only sure way to repel some female humans is to display this leaf-less love fern in their dens (thereby making female humans cry to see the love fern dead). So this love fern is actually the down fall of the Male Deer. I mean Male Deer have to compete and show how much stronger their "Love Fern" is than other Male Deer. The things Men do to attract a mate.

Think if you will about the Elephant, nature's fattiest fatty. By all logic, the elephant should be scoring chicks left and right. I mean the Elephant would be the Looks of the animal kingdom if it weren't for the female elephants, making the Male feel uncomfortable in his liking of cake and general fattiness. female elephants dislike the Male Elephants fattiness so much that they changed their pregnancy gestation time to 22-months. 22-MONTHS!. How could you expect a married couple to consummate the relationship once every two years. No wonder wikipedia tells me they engage in same sex mounting. Asinine, like girls.

Which brings me to my final example. Oysters. Yes, that little pussy of the sea who just hides in his shell all day. Perfect! the male oyster doesn't even move to attract females. What does he do? he let's them come to him. Now you're wondering, "Looks, if he's got the perfect strategy, why is he the pussy of the sea?" and I'll tell you why. The female oysters make the male oyster so insecure in his male oysterliness that they convince the males to change sex! females make you weak! like them! The only ones who get to reproduce are the ones who hold their ground till the females come to him, or the ones who change their sex to lure the females into their confidence and brazenly change back. No man should be de-manned just to get a girl.

As the Looks, I know that I'm attractor. This is my lot in life. But as I attract, I hold in my heart of hearts the fallen brothers, the dead love fern, the fatty of fatties, and that pussy of the sea. You should do the same.

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